Au Revoir 2016

The following entries are unedited pieces of writing straight from my journal over the past year. Goodbye 2016.

January 12, 2016 8:55 am

What’s been holding you back?                                                                                                                           -myself

February, 2016

The streets are empty

Times running out

Am I too old for this?

The bar is closed

And I’m covered all different shades of desperate.

The isolation eventually ate me

Hues of blue engulfed me

And cloudy cigar smoke hid my eyes.

the colors on the buildings are fading.

It’s late

Man it’s late

March 5, 2016 7:37 pm

Things I need to do more often- I should create art more often. I should be a better person more often. I should work towards things more often. I should experience things more often. I should film more often. I should dance more often. I should smile more often. I should cry more often. I should drink water more often. I should live more often.

April 21, 2016 11:28 pm.

What are you most passionate about? -I’m passionate about the truth, about fairness. I’m passionate about everything that could be if we just took a minute to understand. I’m passionate about sending the right message, the one everyone needs to hear.

May 24, 2016 7:12 pm.

It takes a lot to believe in people, it takes a lot to still be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I think the only reason why I do is because I want to, I really really want to. Let’s be honest, life can really suck, and it can rip you apart if you don’t do anything about it. But at the same time life can be something you’ll end up never wanting to leave. In the end there are no shades of gray, so how will I feel? I’m just trying to make something to love or to hate, so I’ll keep believing in those I shouldn’t and I’ll keep seeing the light that isn’t always there, because I know one day everything will be right where it needs to be.

June 11, 2016 6:44 am.

As I lay here on the top bunk of a friend’s camper listening to Fleetwood Mac, I realize how content I am with what I am doing and who I am with. I’ve never truly felt like I was making all the right decisions but right now I wouldn’t change a thing. I will be moving from this stage of my life so graciously because just ended up being so good.

July 6, 2016 2:53 am.

“There has been no war we haven’t died in the front lines of, there has been no job we haven’t don’t, there have been no tax that they levied against us and we have paid all of them, but freedom is somehow always conditional here. “You’re free” they keep telling us, but see she would have been alive if she hadn’t acted so… free” -To the African American community #AltonSterling

August 14, 2016 11:27 pm.

Laying here in bed- I wanted to go to bed sooner so I can wake up earlier and over all feel better about myself- My mind travels back to a memory that forces a smirk to come across my chapped lips, stinging them. I remember it being a bit past midnight, sitting in my room only lit by the christmas lights that burn year round. I was sitting at the foot of my bed begging my friend to stay awake just a bit longer. “Let’s play board games” I say. She tells me if she wins she gets to go to sleep. Within 5 minutes she wins the first round of SORRY and she immediately lays down to sleep, but not before she lets out a laugh symbolizing her victory.

September 4, 2016 5:56 pm.  

I have not been writing, no. I have been living. I live in NYC, I have a soul mate of a best friend and have met amazing people and done amazing things. My meals consist of coffee and croissants, that is if I eat at all. The people are beautiful and those who smile, smile so full. I got lucky, that’s all I can say. My life has become so pure, so worthwhile. I can’t explain it but I do know that looking back I will get nostalgic remembering the aroma of warm trash in the nyc air, Bon Ivers album playing, and the most beautiful boy I have ever seen asking about my day at Ralph’s. For a moment I thought I changed since coming here, but then I realized I just bloomed. I have seen the light and I am growing, evolving, not changing. I don’t quite miss “home” yet and I’m not sure I ever will, but I do know that without hesitation I call this my home, my people. It’s a comforting feeling, I almost forgot about all my insecurities, all my doubts. I realized what’s worth it and what’s a waste of my time and I couldn’t be more excited to start my life. In the past two weeks life has changed so much, in just the smallest amount of time and I know it will continue to change and have extreme highs and deep lows. Honestly, I want it all, good and bad.

October 5, 2016 9:55 pm.

So this is my goodbye to my 17 year old self. I enjoyed the age of 17 I truly did and I honestly am sad to grow a year older. I don’t recall how good this age actually was to me but I do know it leaves a bitter sweet taste. It also just so happens that my life brutally fell apart right in time for my birthday and I’m not so sure if that’s a ticket to do better or if it’s just a road to hell, wait… this is supposed to be a goodbye to 17 letter- SEVENTEEN- Something about the age is so sweet… so free and in two hours it will be ripped away from me. I remember life felt a bit more pure after this time last year and now the end is near. It’s a whole new life now and it’s so unknown. 17 is so comforting, I genuinely don’t want to say goodbye but it’s inevitable, and the inevitable is scary ya know? I always want to be a kid and I always want to feel untouchable but 18 is so real, it’s not the middle ground, or dreamy, its real. So dear 18 year old me > Always stay young and don’t let it feel too serious. No one’s serious at 17 and at 18 I’ll be the same and 19 and 20. Forever I will be, I must promise myself… Goodbye my youth I’ll always remember you and if in some way you could still remember me… please do.

November 9, 2016 (The day after election day) 10:02 pm.

I woke up from my slumber with my eyes raining hot tears. How could my country let this happen? As the hours passed by I realized this is not it, I don’t have to conform. On my way to the 6pm. Protest at Union Sqr. I saw a young man writing free poetry for anyone who would stop by, it gave me a sense of warmth in a time like that. I then walked by girls handing out free flowers because “love will always trump hate”. It was raining on us, the earth was angry we let this happen, I could just feel it. Shoved up against the bodies of beautiful strangers, all shouting for the same thing, unity and equality. Pride flags, signs, tears, but never violence. I woke up crying but I’ll go to bed empowered. I will not stand for this and neither will my people. I am ready to use my voice, I am ready to be seen, to be heard. This is my country and I will take it back.

A reflection the next day- I’m sitting on a train waiting to leave Grand Central to venture back home, the home I haven’t seen, touched, or smelt since August. I can’t help but reflect on what happened yesterday, what I did, what I stood for. The wet fur and shaggy jackets are etched into my mind along with the soggy flowers I held in my fist and raised to the air above. I needed that. I felt so strong and united, a way this election has neglected to make me feel.

December 12, 2016 12:26am.

I was meant to write about this but I forgot so I’m getting around to it now. It was Friday night and we couldn’t sleep so me and B got up, got our jackets and scarves, and headed out into nearly 30 degree weather at midnight. “Where do we go?” “As far as we can”. We walked along 3rd ave. starting at 97th and heading towards midtown. The air froze our faces and stung our ears and we laughed and danced while talking in the accents that we made up. We came across not too many folks, as it was late in the night. It was nearly silent and the city was freckled with Christmas lights, absolutely beautiful. We passed some lone people and then ended up with two men walking behind us saying “Let’s follow these brave girls” as they were amazed by our fearless sprints across the street, dodging oncoming traffic. We lost them shortly after because we decided to stop for a bite to eat in Johnny Rockets. By the time we were done there it was 2 am… 1:52 to be exact. We continued onward and found Bloomingdales. Their window display had some sort of karaoke machine so I ran up to it as quick as I could. Next thing we knew I was singing a song I never heard of called “faith” I transformed it into a punk rock song as I danced in the middle of the sidewalk singing words I’ve never heard sung as spot lights were beaming on me. In sync me and B yelled “FAITH” and started laughing before I continued on with the next verse and people looked at me oddly. Eventually I decided to call it quits and we left the scene. We made it all the way into the 40s before we decided to turn back around and call it a night. The time read 2:50 on the digital clock on the mosque across the street from the dorms. We hadn’t brought our phones so we had no idea how much time had passed by. We made our way up stairs and crashed, not leaving our beds till the late afternoon. Adventures are fun, take them more often.

Hell0 2017, It’s wonderful to see you.

What were your favorite moments from 2016? Let me know in the comments.



2 comments Add yours
  1. Loved reading about these sweet moments of yours in 2016! Just got back into Journaling (haven’t really written anything since I started college) and definitely will do something like this next year!

    My favorite memories of 2016 were my sister and I going on an interrail trip all throughout Europe for a month after I graduated in June. It was quite an adventurous and fun time.
    And my second favorite memory was in the summer when my sister and I biked to a nearby lake and went swimming and on the way back it started pouring but we didn’t mind and just ended up dancing barefoot in the warm summer rain and sung our hearts out. It was such a sweet moment that I’ll never want to forget.

    Happy New Year, Maddy! and I just wanted to tell you that I really enjoy reading all of your posts! xxx

  2. You are blessed with a natural ability to write. Thank you for inviting us into your thoughts, i am always anxious to read your newest updates.
    My favorite part of 2016 has been watching you catapult into your true self.. the culture of NYC has opened your heart and mind so tremendously.
    It is a gift that can never be repaid.
    Embrace Every. Single. Moment.

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