I slid by every trap without it being considered a close call, every trap but the college one. I’ve always cherished my relationships with my educators but this time, they were the ones who pulled the wool over my eyes. Of course many people my age experience this idea that college is the best and only route to go to gain success being shoved down their throats, this idea was fed to me with a grain of salt. Id gone my entire life with my typical carefree spirit with the undoubtable passion to achieve my goals in my own way and never did it cross my mind that I’d be crossing paths with a college campus or a professor, but look where I am now.
Thinking back to the beginning of the semester, I remember I shoved my doubtful thoughts to the back of my mind and assured myself that this is exactly what I needed to do to get to where I wanted to be. Although, I knew in my gut before I even got the acceptance letter that college isn’t really what I wanted but I convinced myself otherwise. This was going to be exactly what I needed because everyone told me just that. But how did I allow myself to become so easily deceived, as I grew up in a family that valued education like no other but not to be mistaken for a textbook education. My parents never forced me to go to school as I frequently skipped or forced me to go to college as it wasn’t even a topic come my senior year. I grew up trusting everything valuable that you learn is something that you seek to learn or something that you teach yourself and this was not something that was sought after for me, so shortly after arriving I had my epiphany.
I had my epiphany within the first week of being here. I didn’t go to orientation for I had no desire to meet these people, to learn about the school, I just had no desire to be here at all. It was my second week of classes and I turned to my roommate and said “you know what I don’t want to be here I have no idea why I’m here”. At first I kind of figured that everyone had these resentful emotions toward another four years of school but then I soon saw that no one had the resentfulness that I did, so again I questioned why I was here. Within the month of October I flip-flopped between the idea of dropping out or sucking it up, which in turn drove me absolutely mad. I knew what I wanted to do, but the leftover thoughts of college being what I needed lingered in my mind. These back-and-forth thoughts pulled at me day after day as I sat through classes I didn’t want to be in surrounded by people who no matter how hard I tried wouldn’t be the people I needed them to be. There my epiphany was created, I was right this entire time and I knew myself better than anyone else could. I realized I could not fully come into my own if I did not allow myself to. I forced myself into this box and in doing that, I was allowing myself to fold inward rather than let myself grow.
Over time, a very short amount of time, I watched my greatest qualities begin to fade. I lost motivation and became extremely uninspired, I was losing myself by forcing myself somewhere I didn’t belong. I had went from living a very freeing mindset to being surrounded by people I just couldn’t vibe with or express mutual feelings with or life at all for that matter. I couldn’t bring myself to find much value in the education being given to me and over all I just became resentful. It’s like being allergic to peanuts and then making yourself a peanut butter sandwich but of course, this isn’t as deadly. What I’m trying to say is everyone belongs somewhere and here is simply not where I belong.
I was sent out on a journey to live and to learn and that is exactly what I have done. I have distinguished the necessary from the stresses, I have taken myself out of the box and allowed myself to swim out into the open, to feel more than what I know, to feel fear and unsureness. I have learned that my path is not one that I can compare to others for self reassurance, for my path is much different. All in all as I said before, we all belong somewhere and this is not my somewhere. Nonetheless I have learned a vast amount of things while being here and it’s things that I’m going to pass on to all those who are willing to listen. I’m not saying I have found exactly where I’m supposed to be, but I am saying that I had an epiphany while I was trying to figure it out, keep your mind heart and eyes open, because this is a journey that we all must take and we can gather some great things from those pit stops we took along the way.