A Pit Stop on the Road to being a Drop Out

I slid by every trap without it being considered a close call, every trap but the college one. I’ve always cherished my relationships with my educators but this time, they were the ones who pulled the wool over my eyes. Of course many people my age experience this idea that college is the best and only route to go to gain success being shoved down their throats, this idea was fed to me with a grain of salt. Id gone my entire life with my typical carefree spirit with the undoubtable passion to achieve my goals in my own way and never did it cross my mind that I’d be crossing paths with a college campus or a professor, but look where I am now.

Thinking back to the beginning of the semester, I remember I shoved my doubtful thoughts to the back of my mind and assured myself that this is exactly what I needed to do to get to where I wanted to be. Although, I knew in my gut before I even got the acceptance letter that college isn’t really what I wanted but I convinced myself otherwise. This was going to be exactly what I needed because everyone told me just that.  But how did I allow myself to become so easily deceived, as I grew up in a family that valued education like no other but not to be mistaken for a textbook education. My parents never forced me to go to school as I frequently skipped or forced me to go to college as it wasn’t even a topic come my senior year. I grew up trusting everything valuable that you learn is something that you seek to learn or something that you teach yourself and this was not something that was sought after for me, so shortly after arriving I had my epiphany.

I had my epiphany within the first week of being here. I didn’t go to orientation for I had no desire to meet these people, to learn about the school, I just had no desire to be here at all. It was my second week of classes and I turned to my roommate and said “you know what I don’t want to be here I have no idea why I’m here”. At first I kind of figured that everyone had these resentful emotions toward another four years of school but then I soon saw that no one had the resentfulness that I did, so again I questioned why I was here. Within the month of October I flip-flopped between the idea of dropping out or sucking it up, which in turn drove me absolutely mad. I knew what I wanted to do, but the leftover thoughts of college being what I needed lingered in my mind. These back-and-forth thoughts pulled at me day after day as I sat through classes I didn’t want to be in surrounded by people who no matter how hard I tried wouldn’t be the people I needed them to be. There my epiphany was created, I was right this entire time and I knew myself better than anyone else could. I realized I could not fully come into my own if I did not allow myself to. I forced myself into this box and in doing that, I was allowing myself to fold inward rather than let myself grow.

Over time, a very short amount of time, I watched my greatest qualities begin to fade. I lost motivation and became extremely uninspired, I was losing myself by forcing myself somewhere I didn’t belong. I had went from living a very freeing mindset to being surrounded by people I just couldn’t vibe with or express mutual feelings with or life at all for that matter. I couldn’t bring myself to find much value in the education being given to me and over all I just became resentful. It’s like being allergic to peanuts and then making yourself a peanut butter sandwich but of course, this isn’t as deadly. What I’m trying to say is everyone belongs somewhere and here is simply not where I belong.

I was sent out on a journey to live and to learn and that is exactly what I have done. I have distinguished the necessary from the stresses, I have taken myself out of the box and allowed myself to swim out into the open, to feel more than what I know, to feel fear and unsureness. I have learned that my path is not one that I can compare to others for self reassurance, for my path is much different. All in all as I said before, we all belong somewhere and this is not my somewhere. Nonetheless I have learned a vast amount of things while being here and it’s things that I’m going to pass on to all those who are willing to listen. I’m not saying I have found exactly where I’m supposed to be, but I am saying that I had an epiphany while I was trying to figure it out, keep your mind heart and eyes open, because this is a journey that we all must take and we can gather some great things from those pit stops we took along the way.

8 comments Add yours
  1. You can say all of those things because you come from a privileged background, girl. That’s why you can easily wish to drop out from your expensive college in New York, only after a week being there, by assuming that you’ve gotten some ” major epiphany”. Most of us are unable to do just that. Maybe you should consider transferring to different majors? Gender studies, philosophy, et cetera.. College can be fun and genuinely advantageous when you are passionate with the lessons. What are you passionate in, what do you wish to learn more — maybe you should consider those things. I really am not a hater, I’m not here to bash you or anything. I’m just saying that college can benefit you in terms of learning experiences, considering that you are given the opportunity to do that and also live in New York.

    1. I appreciate your comment but I must say this. To start,jumping to accusations that I “easily wished to drop out”, it wasn’t. It was a long emotional and hard decision, I think you are missing the point. College isn’t for everyone, and I don’t believe that its necessary to go in order to gain success. I know what I am passionate about and I’m working very hard to achieve my goals, I’m working very hard without a college degree. The opportunity to gain more knowledge and have the ability to go to college is amazing and if thats something you are INTERESTED in, go for it. I don’t necessarily believe its you’re place to say whether my epiphany is “major” or not. I’m not assuming I had some epiphany I KNOW I did. I’m very thankful for my opportunities, but not everyone needs to take the same path my friend : )

  2. Yes, I would very much like to go for it, but sometimes there’s some constraints such as economical disadvantage. I apologize if my words are inappropriate, I myself used to be depressed in college due to lack of money and false major. I’m sorry and I wish you the greatest luck, I follow you on social media and you are a ray of sunshine. I hope you succeed 🙂

    1. I understand, and I’m happy you shared your opinion! We all go through similar challenges and take different routes to overcome them. Thank you for caring enough to advise me to stick through it, I know you aren’t trying to be hurtful by telling me to do so:)

  3. Hi Madison!
    When I read your text I immediately recognized myself in it. I’m in a similar situation right now. (I started college in October, even though I wasn’t ever really sure if it was the right thing to do, it was just what everybody else was doing. Now, 3 months in I’m in a little bit of a dilemma, as my gut is telling me to drop out, because there are other and greater things out there for me and college isn’t really what I wished it to be.)
    Your text really put my feelings into words (and its beautifully written!) So, thank you! The part “Over time, a very short amount of time, I watched my greatest qualities begin to fade. I lost motivation and became extremely uninspired, I was losing myself by forcing myself somewhere I didn’t belong.” really resonates with how I feel about my own situation.
    I think it is great, awesome and very brave of you to have made this decision and I can only applaud you for it, as I’m sure it must’ve taken you a lot of courage to act on these feelings. I wish you all the best on your journey of pursuing your passions and am thrilled to hear more about your story and how everything will work out for you. 🙂 I thank you again for putting your feelings and views out there, as it really encourages me to work towards what I feel is right and to keep looking for a place where I belong. THANKS! xx and greetings all the way from Austria, Laura

    1. AUSTRIA?!?! Thats amazing! I’m happy that you could relate to this, its a REALLY tough decision but listen to your heart. I’d absolutely love to hear about your decision and your process behind making your decision, you should email me sometime about it 🙂 I wish you all the luck my love, be true to yourself and you’ll find your place in no time xx.

      1. Yeah, cute little Austria 🙂 I never really think about how awesome it is to have the ability to reach people all around the world. It’s crazy..
        Thank you so much! I’ll try my best and will definitely send you an email once I’ve had the courage to take a step in what feels like is the right direction for me (even though I’m not even sure where in the world it will lead me)..
        Keep up the good work,xx
        PS: I’m probably going to print out your text and stick it into my journal to remind myself, if you don’t mind 🙂

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